Apple on the Table

This is the Animal

2009-09-22T20:37:00.001-07:00

i realize it's been a while, but life has been busy. i'm on tour as of 3am today (why is it only hard to stay up that late when you have to?), currently on a bus driving from atlanta to dc. we have wifi on the bus, which is making me really happy right about now.
i'm doing a tour blog for friends/family here: www.justalittlelightning.wordpress.com. i'll keep the personal stuff here.

my timing has never been great, but this time it's simultaneously great... and totally shitty. there's nothing like finding something potentially really good right before leaving for five weeks. this was an accident of all accidents, and i have no idea what will happen when i get back (though i do have a day off in seattle on the 13th that is now spoken for). the more i think that we've got the maturity and objective perspective thing on lockdown, the more i start to over think it. either way, this may have been brewing for longer than i thought, and if nothing else i'm glad to have gotten it to where it is now.
how's that for vague?

i also realize that my plan to tour manage as consistently as possible sort of thwarts this other thing a little. or a lot. we'll see.

running to catch up

2009-08-28T10:11:00.000-07:00

since i last wrote i have:
1. moved to seattle
2. worked every day on advancing this tour
3. finally gotten to hang out with friends again

in reference to #1: life is GOOD. i have my own place for once, with real people furniture and everything. i was gifted a very nice tv (from jacob), couch (paul and laura), and giant book shelf (katelyn), which is all contributing to the feeling that i might be growing up a little. just a little. you'd agree as long as you didn't look at the disaster that is my bedroom. it's exciting getting to bike to the punch drunk office every morning.

speaking of punch drunk, i've been working non stop on this tour. i've mostly finished the first round of contacting people, but 32 shows is a lot so it's taking a while. i'm also working on using the old template jacob had to create the tour book, looking up flights, and other random jobs as jacob comes up with them. we'll be flying to washington dc on sept. 22nd, the first show is the 23rd, the last show is october 31st in florida, then we drive to atlanta overnight and fly back to seattle on november 1st. i also found out that nick almost got on the tour as the s.i.r. guy, which would have been really funny.

in the past week i have gone to the bike-in at cal anderson, got to see josh play at corazon (opening for the dude from flogging molly's reggae band!?), went to monroe (for once it wasn't a nearly 4 hr round trip) for fellowship friday, and got to see paul and laura when i picked up the couch. life is good.

not having internet at home is kind of a bummer, but i can't afford it and it's not a big deal.

i've made other plans

2009-08-09T17:12:00.001-07:00

new shirts and lavender are up on etsy.
www.littlelightning.etsy.com

off to bbq with barry&co. i'm going to miss this guy when he's not in town anymore. a girl could sure get used to having her best friend around.

creating that florescent glow

2009-08-08T22:59:00.000-07:00

it's official: i will be going on tour with kmfdm for five weeks starting in late september. here's the routing:

September 23 - Washington D.C. - 9:30 Club
September 24 - Philadelphia, PA - Theatre Of The Living Arts
September 25 - New York, NY - The Gramercy Theatre
September 26 - Boston, MA - House Of Blues
September 27 - Rochester, NY - Waterstreet Music Hall
September 29 - Toronto, CAN - Phoenix Concert Theatre
September 30 - Cleveland, OH - House Of Blues
October 01 - Cincinnati, OH - Bogarts
October 02 - Detroit, MI - Harpo's
October 03 - Chicago, IL - House Of Blues
October 04 - Milwaukee, WI - The Rave
October 05 - Minneapolis, MN - First Ave
October 07 - Kansas City, MO - The Beaumont
October 08 - Omaha, NE - The Slowdown
October 09 - Denver, CO - The Gothic
October 12 - Seattle, WA - The Moore (with Legion Within)
October 14 - Portland, OR - Wonder Ballroom (with Legion Within)
October 15 - San Francisco, CA - The Grand (with Legion Within)
October 16 - Los Angeles, CA - The Nokia (with Legion Within)
October 17 - Pomona, CA - The Glasshouse (with Legion Within)
October 18 - San Diego, CA - House Of Blues (with Legion Within)
October 19 - Phoenix, AZ - The Marquee
October 21 - Dallas, TX - The Granada
October 22 - Austin, TX - Emo's
October 23 - Houston, TX - Meridian
October 24 - New Orleans, LA - House Of Blues
October 25 - Atlanta, GA - Masquerade
October 26 - Chapel Hill, NC - The Cats Cradle
October 28 - Charlotte, NC - The Fillmore
October 29 - Orlando, FL - The Firestone
October 30 - West Palm Beach, FL - Respectable Street Club
October 31 - St. Petersburg, FL - Jannus Landing

i'm stoked. i get to travel, hang out and work hard with some cool dudes, and get some great references when it's all done. hell, this is what i've wanted to do for a while, so it's an amazing opportunity. serious thanks to josh at vera for recommending me, and jacob and jules for being willing to take me on the road.

today i had a booth at the fox island fair, which turned out to be a total bust. the only up side was running into my sixth grade english teacher, who is still awesome, and meeting his daughter who is now a sophomore in high school. in an attempt to sound as old as possible, she was a toddler the last time i saw her. you know, "this high" and all that. they're a really neat family.

now i just have to do everything in my power to make rent for september, and everything will be golden.

things mean a lot at the time

2009-07-21T22:39:00.000-07:00

before i say anything, i have to say that doomtree on sunday night falls into the top 10 shows i have ever seen. there weren't many people there, but everyone that did come out was serious. i picked up dessa's book, spiral bound, and read it through in one sitting (not that it's long). it's even better than i expected.

i met travis in the dorms freshman year. i had to sit on his lap in a car during some floor bonding trip to dicks because there were no seats left in the car, and we've been friends ever since. i don't see him much. he's busy taking over some wealth management firm. he's one of those guys. we initially bonded over a love of strange (and usually foreign) music. it started with sigur ros, and has continued with whatever he finds in the exotic places he travels to. with me, it's whatever i can dig up on the internet since i've never been to mongolia (or madagascar). in school we would trade mixes every once in a while, and it was always a real treat to get music from travis because he has impeccable taste, and a good ear for transitions. since graduating we're lucky to see each other twice a year, even though we lived two blocks away from each other for two years.
i miss travis, and decided to check in via facebook today.
he's getting married in 17 days. i knew he was engaged. i'd heard the story of the helecopter and the rented field and the hidden photographer. i just didn't really think about it much.
and as big of a curmudgeon as i am about weddings these days, i'm truly happy for travis and chelsea. i can't help it. travis is an incredible person who i will always respect and look up to, and i know that he wouldn't make this decision if it weren't right. so, here's to them. www.chelseaandtravis.com

friday i finally have a meeting to discuss this potential fall tour. i want this to happen more than anything in the world. if it doesn't look like it's going to work out, there's a serious chance i'm just going to pack up and move to minneapolis. i need a big change, and if that does not entail going on the road for 5 weeks with an industrial metal band, well, then, it's got to be something.

someone left the private dock below our house open two days in a row, so now i'm a nice shade of pink and a whole lot happier. as frustrated as i get living here, sometimes it's paradise.

there's no mistake left in this misery

2009-07-14T23:40:00.000-07:00

i really, really hate to see my friends get mistreated. there's a growing list of boys who are on my shit-list for various transgressions against my good friends, and now i can finally add allen to that list. i knew it wouldn't last forever, i knew he would finally do something to make helen crack, and now it's done. she deserves so much better.

bethany can't come up for adrian's wedding, so i guess ben is my fake date. i'm kind of sad she won't be there because it's nice to have a lady friend who's not a part of the first wives club that is the collective girlfriends/wives of the colonies boys. but, for adrian i will swallow my skepticism and be happy for him. and melissa. jaquilyn did some wedding shots for them, and they do look mighty fine:
http://jaqshu.blogspot.com/2009/07/adrian-and-melissa-groomals.html

i miss living by adrian and playing late-night monopoly games and planning things for colonies. that was fun.

remind me never to get married/old/maternal.

went to the skate park today, ran into a kid i went to school with my whole life. he was kind of an annoying little shit growing up, but seems nice enough now. he's going to teach me how to drop in on thursday morning, so that's cool. i went back around 10 tonight and it was kind of fun just cruising without anyone there. it's easier to practice when no one is watching.

oh yeah, custom shirt order? yep!

she'll get it where she can

2009-07-13T01:28:00.000-07:00

still selling shirts, it's good. i have small and medium now, but need to get more ink before i do a run of larges. soon i'll be ready to get some nicer shirts.

spent friday night in the vera recording studio. i didn't want to find a place to crash and josh was spending the night there too, so we did. at one point a guy came by to drop off gear and i ended up getting some good silk screening pointers from him. i plan on utilizing the vera silk screen studio soon, it'll be easier to make nicer prints.

woke up saturday morning and they needed help for the opening of the new skate park at seattle center, so i spent the whole day at the park. i decided it was stupid that i had never really tried to skate before, so i bought a board today and i'm going to give it a shot. there's a skate park in gig harbor, so it's something i can do here.

tomorrow:
mail off two orders
make new design
apply for j-o-b-s
skate
print 4 small crew neck shirts

take steps like i don't want to wake you

2009-07-09T13:01:00.000-07:00

the landscaping job was fine, though not wearing gloves was not a smart move seeing as there were a lot of blackberry bushes involved.

then yesterday i had this little interaction with the guy i worked for (via text, and yes, his spelling is intact):
him: did u hate that job yesterday or did u not mind?
me: didn't mind at all, though i'll wear gloves next time
him: ya. thats a good idea. wil proly have sum more work next week.
me: ok, i'll take any shifts
him: k. i think your cute to.

what the fuck, dude. all i wanted was to pull a few weeds, make a couple bucks, and go home. now i'm not really stoked on working for him anymore. i don't want to get shifts just because he's horny, i want to get shifts because i can hold my own and do a good job.
time to find something else.

got the hookup from mike on a site to get wholesale prices on american aparel stuff for screen printing. hopefully i can upgrade soon, fruit of the loom is loosing it's appeal.

i'm a sharp shooter, and she's a little rusty

2009-07-06T23:53:00.000-07:00

tonight i saw barry off, at least until early august. it was pretty fucking great having him around just for two days, i'll be exceptionally happy when he's here for a week. somehow, it's the best feeling in the world sitting next to him talking about how utterly lost we both are. he may have the upper hand, what with his steady job and live-in girlfriend and all, but in the end he's just as confused as i am (and he's three years older). i know and care about a whole lot of great people, but since i've been home i've realized that barry's the one person i really love. he's my big brother, my best friend, confidant, and the platonic love of my life. he's just always been there.
i'm going to be old with cats, calling him at odd hours so he'll have to explain me to his future wife and children as their crazy aunt or something. fantastic.

on the way home from seeing him i saw a sign for help with landscaping at an intersection, so i called the number and now i have a weeding job tomorrow morning. weird, but good. hope it goes well.

catching raindrops on your tongue

2009-07-05T12:12:00.000-07:00

the past few mornings, no matter what time i've gone to bed, i've woken up around 7:30am. i go back to sleep thinking i'll just catch another couple of hours, and without fail sleep for another 5. i've also been having really strange dreams that i can't really remember.
i do remember in last night's dream i was with some guy and there was a disease outbreak or something. we were out in an area that was supposed to be marrowstone island but we were at the only house there, and there was a ferry that would come just a few feet from the house. the whole time it was pouring rain and we had to bury each other in this ritualistic way under a bunch of small sandstones, but everyone died before i could be buried and i was sad that this dude was dead so i took a ferry back to the real world. i woke up as i was getting on the ferry. it was still pouring.

i've got the beat unstoppable

2009-07-05T00:29:00.000-07:00

friday:
interviewed at easy street, i think it went well. now i play the waiting game. worked at amp for a while, which included kevin and i trying to stalk green day at key arena (we're trying to have them endorse the amp book, but they are hard to reach). then kevin and i got frozen custard (holy shit, it's amazing, and may be stiff competition for my molly moons addiction) and went to see the dirty projectors at chop suey. it was a great show, and i discovered that they now have a foxy bassist. who knew. it's a really strange experience standing in a sold out crowd singing along to dirty projectors lyrics (many of which are bizarre adaptations of black flag songs).

today:
i thought tonight was going to entail me buying barry and bo some booze, them getting drunk, and me taking them home, but it turns out all the bars closed at 8 or earlier tonight. so, we sat on their porch overlooking the bay, watching all the fireworks and they drank cheap beer and burbon in the spirit of america. all of a sudden we realized that the yard two houses down from theirs was not only on fire, but the fire was getting big fast, so we rushed over to see what we could do. we ended up hosing for a half hour or so until the fire department came and put it out, but it was a big fire and was dangerously close to taking out their neighbors house (it was coming up the bank from the beach and was lighting up all their bushes along the way). it was about 50 feet across, and was covering about 30 feet of the bank. all i could manage was this crappy camera phone photo, but here's the fire:
we managed to contain it and the fire department spent the next hour or so making sure it was completely out.
we also saw another fire start across the bay, watched it grow fast, and then could tell they got it under control when it shrank and eventually disappeared.
after the fire was taken care of we got to relax on the porch for a while longer and watch the rest of the fireworks.
it was a good night. i love barry a lot, and it's really good to see him. it's looking like we'll get to hang out on monday too, so i'm happy.

now i spell like morning after campfire and couldn't be happier about it.

i saw the sun rise, it came in slow just above your shoulder

2009-06-30T22:09:00.001-07:00

today i:
-woke up early(ish), bussed to seattle
-spent the day at the vera/amp office
-checked in yet again at easy street
-GOT MY PAYCHECK. thank you very much.
-bussed home
-tweeted/twittered/twalalalalala about vera a bunch to try to get people to donate. johnstone and alix crick did, which is great! tomorrow is the last day.

unfortunately my "overnight" shipment doesn't seem to have made it overnight. i get my money back, which is nice, but i just hope it gets there in time.

in madye's words, "having crushes on inappropriate men is an absolute requirement of womanhood." in other words: fuckmylife.

now it's early to bed because it's early to rise again tomorrow. efficiency.

it just wasn't meant for us

2009-06-29T22:58:00.000-07:00

i know it's meant for someone else.
i wish it were meant for me.
nothing i can do.

josh's song, "forget about love," might be what melts my robot heart.
www.myspace.com/jwongandthepopularbutchers

he called me a hippie because i said that the world is really good, even when it's bad. sometimes it's not so easy to think that way.

forget about us.

2009-06-29T18:35:00.000-07:00

i never got my last paycheck from neumos. it's only four days worth of work, but i'm broke and it would be really nice to get what i rightfully earned at this point. i've asked for it several times, was told it was at the bar, and when i went to pick it up there was nothing there. i pointed this out, was painfully polite about it, and still am sitting here empty handed. they're just not responding now.

it would also be nice because i'm realizing that they are the reason i'm probably going to be denied for unemployment. they haven't responded yet, which means my application never gets completed.

so, the two places i should be getting money from right now are contingent on three people who have no interest whatsoever in making this happen. or are interested in making it NOT happen, i can't figure out which yet.

this tour thing is not quite what i was expecting, but could still be a great opportunity if i can make it happen. the tour is not until the fall, but it is for five weeks, which is long enough to make it worth while. we'll see how it turns out.

considering how well today started, it's ending on a frustrating note. not everyone is as ethical a business owner as my dad was, and i'm learning that the hard way.

today's redeming quality? this: http://pitchfork.com/news/35762-video-jay-z-doa-death-of-auto-tune/

jay-z kills it again.

you missed the meaning of flipped coins

2009-06-27T05:12:00.000-07:00

just to get this in writing before it vanishes: got a weird opportunity/offer today that may or may not work out. it involves a horrible metal band, europe, and a large production company.
how's that for vague?
i'm really interested to see how this pans out.
seems the more resolve i have to leave this industry for good, i get a call like this. oh well, guess i've just got to roll with it.

thanks to mseling i've been listening to four minute mile non stop. i didn't really like it the first couple of times, but it's growing on me, and track 2 is definitely the winner.

the sunrise is beautiful right now. though staying up this late/early may not be smart, it's certainly worth the view.

goodnight/morning.

you got a heart that beats, still

2009-06-26T15:25:00.000-07:00

feelings seem more and more like a burden (or a hassle?) and less like an integral part of the human experience. what's it like to be a robot?

saw a lot of really good people last night. i don't miss my job at all, but i do miss my old coworkers. so good to see will again, he won't be back through until the fall so it was a little more of a goodbye this time. so many tours, not enough stops in the emerald city.

neumos is stiffing me half a paycheck, and i'm half a second away from calling the department of labor to collect. i worked those days, i earned the money, and i could certainly use it right now.

tonight is fellowship friday, more good people. it's good to be surrounded by that whenever possible. it's what's been keeping me going these days.

i'm building a still, to slow down the time

2009-06-24T00:16:00.000-07:00

today was my first day interning for AMP (allagesmovementproject.org). well, it's the second time i've interned for them, but it's the first time i've worked with kevin and it went really well (i think). the next two weeks are going to be a lot of tracking down final information for the book, and after that it will be mostly database management. i got a copy of the manuscript today and it's amazing. there's so much information, it's presented really well, and i'm really excited that it's finally coming to fruition. the print deadline is july 15th, so i'll be busy. and ian mackaye has written a glowing endorsement for the back cover, which is pretty incredible (and good timing since i just finished reading the chapter on minor threat in the book our band could be your life). speaking of minor threat, it happened to come on after mictlan in my "recently added" playlist, and jesus that is not a good transition. i love both, equally, but i'll be damned if hardcore isn't the most abrasive shit there is.

i got some good news about easy street yesterday, so hopefully next week i will get a final piece of good news, because the unemployment system seems perfectly content to fuck me over every chance they get. i've got six thousand unaccessable dollars in my name and can't get a cent of it. fan.tastic.

tomorrow i've got to take my car (fiona) into the shop as she's been acting up a lot lately (to the point that i was calling all three people i knew in tacoma one night to see if they were awake to potentially come get me if i got stranded on i-5 on the way home). i am hoping it's something simple.

next week i'll start studying for the gre, and if the first couple of weeks go well i will probably take it in september or october. i've got to get back in touch with old professors for letters of recommendation, start brainstorming for personal statements... all the fun stuff.
what is fun, however, is thinking about the possability of writing a masters thesis on the doomtree collective. it would be perfect.

barry comes home in 10 days. i couldn't be happier. i'll get to see that kid twice this summer, which may not sound like much, but it's been nearly a year since the last time, and i miss him like crazy. i'm anticipating beer on the beach (him, not me. duh.), some fox island lounging, and getting the full scoop on the girl.

i've sold two shirts on etsy now, which is two more than i'd expected, so i'm happy. slowly but surely.

whatever it was that my mom attempted for dinner tonight so strongly resembled vomit that i could not eat it. sorry.

kick the beat

2009-06-22T16:24:00.000-07:00

i've had a lot of long days lately, which is weird considering my lack of a life.

saturday i decided to bus up to seattle to save on gas and sanity. went to fremont solstice festival with carlos and ended up at a bbq with a bunch of older band dudes at some house in fremont. i didn't really know anyone until bree showed up and started drinking disgusting wine coolers. then i headed out to west seattle to hang out with some friends from my kits camera days and celebrate james' 23rd birthday. drove a drunk anne home and crashed on her couch after spending two hours talking about how much we hate moths and crows. i was stone cold sober, so i'm not sure what my excuse was.

spent sunday night taking my dad out for dinner and talking about gay marriage. i wasn't really suprised to find out that my dad doesn't support it, but got continually more frustrated when he couldn't produce any real reason other than to him, marriage is defined as being between a man and a woman... which is not a reason, it's an unfounded belief. we argued about it for a long time, and finally i told him that i wouldn't get married until everyone i knew could get married too. if i have the right to marry a man, i should also have the right to marry a woman, and my peers should have those same rights. if people i know and love cannot obtain a legally recognized marriage just because they want to marry someone of the same sex, what's the real validity of a heterosexual marriage?
i came home and looked up marriage in our dictionary (a fairly recent edition), nearly threw a fit when i saw that it still defined it as being between a man and woman, crossed out the sexes in the good book and put it back on the shelf.

tomorrow i'm thinking i'll screen a batch of medium and large shirts. i've got to send a medium to mike, so i might as well do both while i'm at it. i need to make some bigger frames. tattoo design coming from him soon!

just found a treasure trove of doomtree albums i haven't heard yet, so you can guess how i'll be spending my evening. love cecil otter.

tomorrow i'm meeting with kevin to go over this amp (www.allagesmovementproject.org) internship. it's going to be really nice to get back into the game.

good news for the day: joe and pat and i might get a place together.

if i leave right now, would you come with me?

2009-06-20T02:22:00.000-07:00

spent basically all day with peter, and could not be happier about it. that kid is a joy. and not so much a kid anymore. he really makes me wonder what i was like at 16, because i swear i was nowhere near as mature as him.
when i showed up at his grandparents house to pick him up, jp was there, and honestly it was really good to see all of them, to sit down and talk. i can contain my own awkwardness about the past, if only because they're so goddamn nice. gus always told me that the version of his dad that i met was not the father he grew up with, which may be true, but the man i know is funny, nice, and great for busting chops. plus, maybe they just like me more.

i will say one of the funnier parts of the day was seeing the expression on emily's face when i introduced peter as gus's nephew. so much to be explained...

anyway. part of our adventures entailed watching the movie up. i hadn't heard/seen anything about it so i didn't know what to expect, and though i might catch shit for this later... i loved it. it's cute, which normally i don't like in movies (i'm no romantic), but damnit if i didn't tear up a few times (for an animated movie!? really!?). peter and i were definitely the only people over the age of 10 and under 30 there, but fuck it, sometimes you have to watch something sappy because it's adorable and just embrace it. plus the cloud sequence at the beginning is fantastic.
here's the trailer:

what that whole thing fails to mention is that the whole reason the old man is on an adventure is because he met his wife when they were little kids and always dreamed of going to venezuela. she dies before they get the chance to go, so instead of going into a retirement home, the old man decides to fly his house down to south america... suspended by balloons. AWESOME.

as the moon waned to crescent

2009-06-18T12:25:00.000-07:00

went over to bribri's house and watched jumanji until 4am the other day. i bailed around 5:30 with him sound asleep. sometimes you just need the company, and it's nice to be five years older and wiser this time around.
no one's getting into this ole heart.

found out that barry will also be back for fourth of july weekend so he and bo can paint their parents house. that's only two weeks! must mean a trip to the tides tavern is in order, because those boys have earned some drinks on me.

last night, after a nice potluck at emily and kiersten's place, and after dropping a wasted peter off in the cd, i hit the highway and my car did NOT want to get me home. after stalling/dying a few times, and doing some weird rpm-related things (which is extra scary on i-5 at 1am), i decided to start calling the only three people i know in tacoma in case i couldn't make it home. bribri was too wasted to know what was going on, ben picked up but was in portland, which left adam, who not only picked up but offered their couch. it's the small things that make you realize who's really going to be there. thanks, dude.

i sold my first shirt on etsy. hallelujah.

not really sure what to do about this weekend. i was going to do a bunch of nice things for my dad for fathers day, but he's going sailing without me, and my aunt is coming down sunday morning, so i think the new plan is to hang out with carlos all weekend and do all the solstice stuff. it's been really nice getting out of here when i can. plus, hanging out with that kid is long overdue.

off to the post office!

it's just like the present, to be showing up like this

2009-06-16T03:19:00.000-07:00

after a rough start (turns out some people are not tall enough to reach normal stop signs), i found five of these little gems: stumpy stop signs in the qfc parking lot. i think they look a lot better now than they did an hour ago.

*note to self: bring a milk crate next time.

it happens just this way

2009-06-15T01:53:00.000-07:00

i got tired of waiting for ben to get back (why do all my male friends have serious girlfriends?) and just made some bullshit noise in garage band for this. i did not mean it to sound like a funeral march, but that's sort of how it turned out. i also need to re-shoot the sunset using a tripod, my photos are all over the place and it takes away from the effect. but, here's round one:

i'm totally enamored by your life

2009-06-14T19:07:00.001-07:00

got the first batch of shirts (4 is not a large batch, i'm aware) up on etsy. it would be really nice if someone would buy them, seeing as they are super cheap!

http://www.littlelightning.etsy.com
get on it.

song of the day: international you day by no use for a name. the official song of girls waiting for boys on tour and the year of bad but not detrimental decisions.

get it get it big time

2009-06-14T01:17:00.000-07:00

there weren't many bands that i got really excited about working with while at neumos (boredoms, daniel johnston, and spiritualized being some of the exceptions), but yeasayer met and surpassed my expectations when they played. they're also exceptionally nice guys. later i found out that they went to the comic shop that sandy works at in annarbor, and he gave them free comics in exchange for a guest list spot.
they donated what was supposed to be their next single to the dark was the night compilation that red hot did, and here's a video of them playing an acoustic version. and ira? still the love of my life.

and here's the electric version (i understand this one comes across a little pretentious):

as sweet as all this beardy folk stuff is that's been blowing up lately, the yeasayer dudes know how to harmonize better than any band i've seen/heard, and it's not overused.

and because everyone loves the lablogoteque videos (and everything sounds better with frenchies singing gang vocals in english):

it's from the drinks we drank last night

2009-06-13T03:58:00.001-07:00

things i learned today:
1. having a theological discussion with someone who has given relatively little thought to anything beyond the existence of god is frustrating... and boring.
2. i know some really good people.
3. sometimes i still have something to offer, and that's nice.
4. i need more friends who don't drink/smoke/etc. it's healthier that way and i don't feel like such a weirdo.
5. brain.needs.exercise.
6. barry comes home in 50 days. jesus that sounds like a long time.
7. my home life is one giant "you had to be there" moment. people don't really get it, i think i will quit trying to explain.

under every quiet failure it's still here

2009-06-09T22:40:00.000-07:00

beach road in front of our house at sunset tonight.

thanks to the new american dream

2009-06-08T01:07:00.001-07:00

photos taken at the fox island bridge boat launch tonight around sunset. we used to come here a lot in high school, and the summer after graduation. watching the sun rise was just as common as watching it set, you just had to keep your eyes open long enough. it was worth it every single time.

raised on instinct

2009-06-06T22:39:00.000-07:00

i would like to go on record and say just how much i love barry milton greenfield. we've been best friends for nine years, and i absolutely adore him. all the cheesey cliche's come to mind- couldn't live my life without him blah blah blah... but it's true. i've never had anyone else mean so much to me and be there for me as much as he has. we've been through it all, including high school drama, a failed dating attempt, and years spent apart (8 of those 9, to be precise), but at the end of the day it makes no difference how far away he is, because he is, and always will be my BEST friend.
he's an unlikely candidate. i don't know that anyone i've gotten to know since moving to seattle has even met him. he's a total dude in every sense of the word- listens to lots of zeppelin and floyd still (where do you think i get that from?), wears cut-off t-shirts, drinks way too much, was in a frat at wsu... you get the point. he and i are a prime example of how little all that shit matters though. i don't know that we really have anything in common except for where we grew up and how much we care about each other, but that's all you need.

he lives in key west, and has for about two years (we haven't lived in the same place in 8 years), lives with his girlfriend and works on a military base coordinating a bunch of youth programs. he sounds happy, and that makes me happy.

i also miss him a whole hell of a lot. true to form i wrote him a sappy email a couple of days ago and waited patiently for a response (he doesn't really email much).
today he called and it was exactly what i needed. i needed to hear him talk about the positive things in his life, i needed to hear advice about what i should be doing, and most importantly, i needed to hear that he will be coming home in august. that's the best news i have had since the last time he came home. it will have been a year, which is 365 days too many.

all that to say that i am really blessed to have such an amazing friend. i love him so much, and august can't come fast enough.

mom update: she is home, and things are about as frustrating as i had thought, maybe worse. i will survive this summer if it kills me.

got stir crazy today and took some photos around the yard, and my car? here:

i burn down buildings while you sit on a shelf

2009-06-03T22:36:00.000-07:00

let's back track a little, because screen printing is a lot more fun than thinking about my shit-show of a mother. last night i made my most successful screen yet (that's not saying a whole lot, but i'm happy with it)! we can go anywhere! i made a few shirts, and am hoping to print on some maps in the next few days.

after two and a half hours on the operating table, cranium cracked, my mom is exactly the same as before. a bit puffier, high as a kite on pain meds, but for better or worse she is exactly the same. they cut into the same incision as her two previous brain surgeries (those were both 13 years ago), found a bunch of infected fluid with no explanation, and some substance the surgeon described as "pudding-like." i'm not kidding. they scraped a pudding-like substance off of my mom's brain. it's fucking disgusting, but now it's gone and we wait for the biopsy results to see what it was. apparently they put some cement in there too, to block her sinus cavity off from her brain to avoid further infection (hopefully).

this photo is the screen they have in the waiting room, it kind of felt like i was checking on flight times or something. they put they patient number, doctor's name, and what stage they're at so you know what's going on. the last green line on there was my mom. #14532.

to kill time while we waited, my dad and aunt and i walked around wright park, down to stadium high school (what up, ten things i hate about you!), and ate at infinite soups (yeah, you know what the highlight of my day was). took a stroll through the arboretum at wright park. check it out:

it's too late to talk to you, it's too soon to say goodbye

2009-05-28T21:34:00.000-07:00

today i found out that my mom will be having surgery on wednesday. she has an inch of fluid all across her forehead, and the bone in/around her forehead is infected and needs to be removed. so, yeah, they're taking out a piece of her skull and replacing it with god knows what (when i asked she didn't seem to know).
here's some background:
my mom was diagnosed with "terminal" brain cancer when i was ten, but contrary to the 5% chance of survival they gave her, she is still alive and kicking today. i want to say it's a good thing, you know, she beat the odds and all that... but the mother i have known the past 13 years is basically a vegetable with opinions. my dad and i are constantly exhausted just dealing with her, and she rarely leaves the couch. i want to feel like i'm grateful that she's still around, that would be the proper and appropriate thing, but the truth of it is that i haven't had any sort of real relationship with her since i was 10, and i can't remember much before that, so the only mother i know is totally crazy (not in an endearing way), irrational, lazy beyond comprehension, rude, and the list goes on. it's not all bad, there are moments where one of us makes a real effort to be on good terms, but for the most part she and i are just two people who coexist together, nothing more.
since being in remission my mom has become allergic to gluten, has had several serious falls (once resulting in a broken wrist that now has metal pins in it), and now uses a walker outside the house because her balance is so bad. she can hardly walk up our driveway. her memory is horrible and she has no logic or ability to rationalize things. it just seems like she's constantly sick or hurt, or can't remember some vital piece of information (her short term memory is shot). nothing surprises me anymore, but i still have trouble being patient.
her friends only sort of understand how bad it is, and my aunts don't seem to get it at all. after all, when they see her she's on her a-game.
all that to say that i not only wasn't surprised by the news today, but all i could think was "maybe this is it." that's horrible. i know this. i know i should be upset, i should be angry and sad and worried and anxious. instead, all i feel is tired. this shit has been going on for so long, this is just one more thing to go through. she's supposed to stay in the hospital for a few days, then they said it'll take a month for her to recover. but what is "recovery" when your life is a couch and the tv? what is her life? what barometer do we use to know that, oh hey, things are back to normal. fuck normal, we've been doing normal for 13 years and not one of us is happy with it. my dad has no life because he's scared to leave for too long because the last time he went on a trip my mom broke her wrist and no one was around. i'm scared to eventually move out of here again because my poor dad will have no relief again. at least now he and i can talk about it, play games, i can help him in the yard and all that. it helps to have each other around, then we know we're not the ones going crazy.
my mom has spent all day calling family and friends, telling them the news. she is also planning on making a list of all these people so my dad and i will have the joy of calling each and every one of them with whatever the outcome is. great. that's really what i want to do, pretend to be all fucked up about this while talking to five million people i barely know and telling them that, big surprise, she is fine. i know how all these conversations go. i had them all 13 years ago, except then people were really condescending because i was 10 and they thought i didn't get it. "your mother might die!" no shit. i may have been young, but i knew what "terminal" meant at 10, and now i just think that word is a big fucking joke. nothing is terminal, because it never really ends.
and now we're back at it. i feel exactly like i did the second time my mom had brain surgery when she first got diagnosed. i am a blank emotional slate. i just don't have it in me any more. i'm dreading this. the phone calls, the hospital visits, the doctors appointments, my dad being stressed out, all the shit that will go into taking care of her at home.
the one thing i have always resented about the whole thing is that when my mom got home from the hospital 13 years ago, she made me take photos of her head, the giant cut going from one ear all the way over her head to the ear, stapled together and black and blue, to document how bad it looked. i understand why she wanted to remember what it was like, but seeing your moms head like that, at that age, is more fucked up than i can describe. i have always hated that she made me do that. i will never forget what it looked like. and today she asked if i wanted to see the incision they had made today and i almost lost it. no. i don't want to see it. i don't want to see any of it.
all i want, is for it to be over.

i haven't had a chance to talk to my dad about this yet, but i know he's just going to look so defeated. he is married to a ghost, a mutant version of the woman he proposed to 26 years ago. and people wonder why i'm so scared of marriage? because shit like this happens, and you end up with a man who is too good (or scared) to leave, and a woman who has no idea how lucky she is, with a kid who never ever wants to end up in either one of those positions. you can't predict this shit, and that's what's scary. my dad has spent over half of his married life with a woman he doesn't know. he's stuck. he can't leave, because then no one would take care of her, but his heart hasn't been in it since he realized that the woman he married was gone forever. i used to tell him that i would support him if he wanted a divorce, but both of us have recently discussed how that's hardly an option these days.

it's frustrating because it felt like things were looking up for this family. my dad and i were catching up in the yard, he was making some necessary improvements on the house, my mom was planning some trips to canada for the near future, we were getting our respective lives in order.

i forsee a lot of time spent with ben melting tapes with a sautering iron, recording whatever sound we can get out of the saw he bought, watching bad movies, wheatpasting colonies posters, stenciling. that house will be a good place to be these next couple of weeks.

it would make a mess of me

2009-05-12T01:08:00.000-07:00

it's been a while, though i can hardly use the "there's nothing going on" excuse these days.

1. i quit my job. i know, i know, we're in the middle of a recession and what the fuck was i thinking, right? but i don't care. it just got to the point where i needed to get out of that environment and into something more positive and that required leaving altogether. it's for the best. i do miss my coworkers though.

2. i moved back to gig harbor. this is temporary, just until the fall, but it's been a good move so far (all ten days of it) and it's given me the solitude and free time to do lots of gardening, and i've started some other projects as well.

3. goals for this summer include: getting a real grown-up job that requires real grown-up skills and effort and all of that, making a scraper bike for the washington bus (already started!), selling silkscreened goods and maybe greeting cards at the farmers market here, getting a real website up and running, setting up an etsy account... i think that's enough for now.

4. i am flying solo again. it's a pretty strange feeling, not to have that person around, but i think it's probably the most self-aware decision i have made (or was collaboratively made) in a long time, which is better than the alternative. that is not to say my actions leading up to it were great, i got pretty selfish and for that i will forever be sorry, but we figured things out before either one of us got around to doing anything really stupid.

5. i am currently taking a spreadsheets class, and am planning on starting an mba program at spu in the fall. part of quitting my job was the simple fact that i was making crap money with no benefits at a job that should have offered a whole hell of a lot more. so, enough of that, i need to make a move to really improve my career goals and get a job that i'm going to like and is going to provide a stable and decent income. what a novel idea, right?

6. as a result of moving and having to sort through all my old things, i've come across lots of old mixes. both ones that i made, and ones that were made for me. the earliest one is the one adam made me to ask me to senior ball with a bunch of bright eyes songs on it (nothing ironic there), there's a couple from nick, and a few mixes i made while still in my first couple of years at spu. it's pretty funny looking back on what i was listening to.

i think that's all for now. have to drive my dad to the airport in 3 hours.

couldn't figure what got into me, shed your love

2009-03-26T20:42:00.002-07:00

today i ran into someone who i haven't talked to in nearly five years, and i realized (not for the first time) that sometimes it is nice to be reminded of what you initially saw in someone, what made you want to be around them.
i never hated this person, though i wouldn't say that i was their biggest fan either. there was just a lingering bitterness that i was rarely forced to think about.
but, recently it was brought to my attention that this person got a job working for someone i tend to work with a fair amount, and i was forced to admit that i would have to a)swallow my pride and b)admit that this could be ok.
and it is. it's more than okay, it's more than cordial, i'm actually happy that this person is back in my life. i'm not about to be best friends, and i still have reservations about it all, but it feels good to reconnect, to catch up, and to feel positively about someone who has previously held such a strange spot in my mind.
it's a small thing, but it feels like progress. i was reminded of what i saw in this person five years ago that made me want to know them, which is nice. there is a comfort in that.

and this weekend, i plant flowers, pick up my car, and hopefully do some silk screening.

keep your eyes on right ahead

2009-03-19T22:54:00.000-07:00

up until recently, all the talk of our economy tanking has seemed pretty far removed from my life. sure, i had some friends who were having trouble finding jobs and all that, but there wasn't anything happening around me that was serious enough that i took notice. but, yesterday ben told me that his parents' house actually sold, his dad might be getting a good job, and they'd be moving out to a small place in port orchard. ben's dad used to be the vice president of communications for fisher broadcasting, he's taught classes at plu, and has consulting experience too, yet the man has spent the past year or so completely unable to get hired. he's overqualified for most jobs, which means the companies can't or won't pay him enough, and he's older than most candidates, which makes him appear less maliable as a person. he already knows how it all works.
ben's family is the first one from my group of friends to really make the move out of the harbor. out of the nice house with acreage. spencer's family is selling their house (though they built it to sell it), and my dad has said that he'll sell ours within a couple of years. i'm hoping i can take over the things that make the house hard to maintain so he won't sell it, but he might not have any other options.
we all grew up in such a secure environment. we all had families who owned houses with yards and views of the water and/or boats and we all went to quaint schools with good teachers and not once did i ever feel unsafe. even when my dad closed the bakery, even when i knew we were cutting it close financially, i always knew my dad would fix it and everything would be ok.
the point is, we all came from a place of great priviledge, and now that's all being called into question. the timing is interesting: just as i decide that i really do want to live in the harbor, at least for a few months, to get out of the intensity of the city, home becomes a little more foreign.

the silk screen stuff is slowly coming together. i've got a spot in the garage, this island thing my dad wasn't using anymore (we drilled the hinge clamps on last night) with storage underneath for all the ink and tools. i've burned three screens that have turned out okay, i just need to practice placement of the designs (t-shirts are harder than i'd thought).

i need to find someone to rent my room for the summer.

it's been a long, long time

2009-02-26T21:46:00.001-08:00

i haven't written anything here for a while. every time i feel like i want to, i don't have time, but when i do have time, i don't want to.
always seems like there's not much to say, but i don't think that's accurate.
here's what's going on:
i am moving out of my current house in three months. i will have been there for almost two years at that point, which is the longest i've lived anywhere since moving out of my parents house, and i'm ready to leave. there isn't anything really wrong, i'm just tired of it, and there's a weird tension in the house that i can't seem to explain, and don't have the motivation to deal with. abigail can never make rent, meghan obsessively cleans up after everyone without giving them a chance to clean themselves, and mario is still totally fine and normal. so, i'm leaving. i don't want to be in this place anymore and the landlord said it was fine, so i'm moving on and out.
which begs the question of where i'm going after that. the answer, friends, is that i'm moving home. as in, gig harbor home. i'm going to live with my parents for the summer!? yep. i'm nervous because it means living with my mom for three months, but i'm really and truly excited because it means living with my dad for three months and getting a real chance to set up the silk screen stuff in their garage.
oh yeah, starting this saturday i will be able to silkscreen in my parents garage. i have everything i need to build the light box, i have most of the materials to make the screens themselves, and i'm ready to go. it'll be fun.

this saturday i'm going to spend all day setting things up and hopefully making my first screen. then ben, bethany, spencer, and jordan and i have a date with the tides tavern. should be fun, probably will be weird, and i'm okay with that.

things are good, but they are mostly good because i am finally getting to look ahead. i'll be taking the GRE at the end of the summer, and will spend the fall applying to grad schools. hopefully hey marseilles will be going on tour some time soon, so i'll get to tour manage them, but if that doesn't happen i've been trying to get my name out there a little bit more so that i can start getting more experience in areas beyond being an office/marketing bitch. i don't want to be making facebook invites for a club when i'm 40.

here's to the future. here's to plans. here's to progress.

coming out. and no one knows how far.

2009-01-08T19:09:00.000-08:00

more and more i feel like i just don't have the energy (or want) to deal with other people's bullshit that invariably ends up affecting my life. it's selfish, i'm aware, and is just another part of interacting with people. mostly it's work, but sometimes it's other stuff, and at the end of the day, i really like the simplicity that comes with very little emotion. or like, tempered emotion. moderation!

by myself, this isn't a problem. when i'm alone all i have to do is handle myself, and that's enough. sound enough like an only child?

i need to leave this job before too long. i need to apply for grad school. i need a change.

don't make me turn this car around

2008-12-30T11:56:00.000-08:00

in a fit of broke-ass desperation i said i would work on new years eve because it's double pay, and, well, i need the money.
big.fucking.mistake.
not only is it decibel festival (douchebag convention #1), but we're having a dj night in moe bar with a cover, so i will have two box offices and a crap ton of drunken ass holes.
sometimes the money isn't worth it.
it's not like i had exciting plans anyway, but i'm pretty sure anything would be better than this.

but, it's okay, because i had a good break for the holidays that included celebrating hanukkah and christmas, hershel the hanukkah penguin (my favorite), some good time with my family (though my mom is still and will always be totally batshit), and lots of time spent curling and playing with kitty. also we finally had a book club meeting and secret santa, and i didn't check my email for 4 days. that might have been the best part of it all.

i think it's time to get out of dodge for a bit. getting a few days off made me really miss the breaks i got during school and a weekend away sounds pretty fantastic. canada? the cascades? anywhere but here, really.

just as fast as they can

2008-12-15T10:35:00.001-08:00

well it's been a while... weird.
life has been pretty busy, but hopefully it'll slow downa bit for the rest of the month, since all we have left in december are the three blue scholars shows and the two decibel festival shows. the good news is that i only work two shows for the rest of the month.

work has been crazy busy. we launched the new website last monday and have been working out kinks ever since. we also thought we were going to have an automated newsletter, but that didn't work either, so now i'm building one from scratch in golive. the new site was supposed to make things a lot easier, but that's not really how it's working out so far.

i'm really excited for christmas. i want a couple of days off to relax in the harbor with my parents. eat good food, give them presents (the older i get, the better it feels to be able to buy them more substantial things), bullshit.

i'm also really excited for friends to start coming home. emily gets back on the 16th (two days!), mel gets back the 17th, ben should be back soon (hopefully before christmas), spencer will be home... plus christmas times with book club and the girls will be great too.

besides the fact that it's fucking freezing outside (it snowed a couple days ago), things are pretty good.

you would take me anyway

2008-12-01T09:09:00.000-08:00

this morning on the bus two dudes got in a fight right in front of me (over an empty seat, no less). one stepped on my foot. one guy smashed the other guy's face into the back stairs, so he bled all over them. the bus had to stop on bellevue so the cops could come, at which point i bailed.
people are fucking weird.

after a very, very welcome 4 day weekend, work this morning is, uhm, frustrating. i'm not ready to be back here.

this is our town

2008-11-16T19:44:00.000-08:00

sometimes rehashing is okay, because if nothing else it's a very clear reminder of just how bad things got, and just how great they are now.

i am really happy. i can't remember the last time i was this happy. or felt so cared for.

i've sort of been living for the weekends, when i know we'll have ample time to laze around and explore. i really, really love this.

tonight: sleep until midnight, wake up, work on my bike a bit, head up to the hill, meet up with bree and carlos, and then the wheatpasting adventures begin.

pretty

2008-11-11T10:59:00.000-08:00

2008-11-10T16:46:00.001-08:00

communication breakdown doesn't even begin to describe this office.

it's weird how things work and what brings out the best in people. i'm really fucking lucky. f'real. no matter what.

dressed up like sunday morning

2008-11-05T17:00:00.000-08:00

election night was fantastic.
good company, the best results, and partying in the streets.
seattle went crazy.
made emily a video.
i miss that girl.

also, seriously, fuck grandy and everything that comes out of his mouth/keyboard/pen. i have never met someone so undeservingly cocky, arrogant, and/or so full of shit. he has spent the entire time i've had this job ignoring my emails about sponsorship, ticket giveaways, etc., when i was handing him handfuls of content every week... yet he's so desparate to keep line-out busy that he just posts random shit to fill space? we live in a city full of music. seriously. you can't escape it, everyone's into it, it's everyfuckingwhere... but he chooses to use his platform for, well, nothing. he doesn't promote up and coming bands (though the other writers do), he doesn't help the smaller clubs that deserve it (and no, i'm not talking about my employer), he writes a lot of negative shit about a lot of bands/shows/clubs, yet manages to completely ignore all the good stuff going on. the only thing he's ever written that didn't make me at least slightly annoyed was the piece on mt. eerie, that one was good (mostly because it was endearing, if not admirably researched).
good thing he's not the only person at the stranger. luckily other writers have some sort of integrity and passion, and luckily i'm not the only person around who feels this way.
maybe someday the stranger will smarten up and hire a music editor who's fewer parts douche and more parts interesting and productive.

but it's okay because barack obama won. for real.
it's going to be a good few years.
and i've got leftover halloween candy and kombucha... do those two things cancel each other out? maybe!

you are getting all you can from my hurting

2008-10-31T13:31:00.000-07:00

honestyhonestyhonestyhonesty.
it's funny what triggers the separation between heart and head. or, not the separation so much as the conflict. and really it's not funny at all. interesting, maybe, typical, yes. being at odds with yourself is pretty frustrating.

when did we all get so fucked up?
what happened to like, being good to each other, taking care of each other, being kind?
who taught us how to justify these things?
full disclosure?
when did we lose our collective conscience?
can i separate myself from this generational mindset? the acceptance of disappointments and wrongdoings as normal... that's not good. those things shouldn't be normal, they should be rare and still seen as unacceptable.
instead we're convinced we just need to take it all in stride and move on.
it shouldn't be so easy.

at least when you still get that literal gut wrench you know you've still got some feeling left. i guess that's good. maybe not good, but promising. i'm not totally fucking cold just yet.

uhh happy halloween?

workin on livin

2008-10-29T15:04:00.001-07:00

my work life has reached a new level of absurd. boss man made our intern get ichat just so he could talk to her at the same time as mike and i. i don't know if she realizes the havoc this will wreak on her sanity, but i even tried to argue with him as to why she didn't need to do this. i lost. he signs my paychecks. it's like this new dimension of hell you didn't know existed when your boss can reach you at any given time and you can't be on ichat without being scared that he'll have something for you to do... while you're at home trying to relax. oh well.

also, have i mentioned that i fucking love carlos ruiz and his art? because i do. lots and lots. he made me a yeasayer poster in a day and it's brilliant! i love this kid. i wish we used posters more often. check this out:

thrown by the grace of my mother

2008-10-26T23:03:00.000-07:00

busybusy.
mix making in progress.
scouring albums.
the maxi pad has internet now. crazy.
maxiweb.

sleep!

the summer sun will set she said.

2008-10-24T13:54:00.000-07:00

i really like the idea of a grand piano hanging from a hot air balloon.

at the end of the drive...

2008-10-23T18:27:00.000-07:00

tonight marks four shows in five days. that's four days of 10am-2am(ish) work. note to self: don't do this again. the good news is that tonight should end pretty early, the notwist goes on at 10:15... they'll probably play for an hour and a half? not too bad.

wong is watching bones in the security office and that is all i want to do right now, but instead i'm putting together ad raps until i'm blue in the face. marketing shmarketing. i would really like a few days where i don't have to care about ticket counts. that sounds nice.

new teeth in two weeks? cool. bummer that it takes that long, but it's my own fault for not getting the "real" ones put in sooner. too.fucking.expensive.

did this today:

somebody's got a car outside

2008-10-21T16:47:00.001-07:00

i would like to point out that i did my job just fine when steven was gone. just fucking fine, thank you very much, and now that he's back i can't get a damn thing done because he's micromanaging via instant messenger. there is not much worse than that, as far as communication goes. nightmaretown.
/end rant.

i put my arm around

2008-10-21T11:15:00.000-07:00

last night was great. i caught myself thinking about how easy it was being an outside promoter, but then remembered the scary part when mike and i looked over the books and went through all the numbers. there's a lot of money on the line for these shows. but, it's fine if we're working for steven and jason, it's not our money and we still get paid.
i think jon darnielle is madly in love with kaki king, but then again, who isn't?

today is workworkwork then dengue fever work, then home. tomorrow morning i have a dentist appointment to get molds made for some new teeth so i don't look like such a freak. so, now i have a dentist in seattle, which i guess is like one step closer to being a real life grown-up.

also, saturday, meaghan is selling a bunch of her stuff before she moves to new york, so i'm getting a real bed frame, mattress, a microwave, and maybe a tv? also using zipcar for the first time to make this all happen. should be fun. a real bed!

like you just the way you are

2008-10-20T11:17:00.000-07:00

oh yeah, the video was prompted by my totally forgetting that i'm supposed to work the mountain goats/kaki king show tonight at showbox with mike. how did i forget? either way, it's going to be a long two days ahead. work today, the show tonight, work tomorrow, work the show tomorrow. not my smartest move.

timbaland? yeah.

perfect song, imperfect video

2008-10-20T10:17:00.001-07:00

why don't you lay your hands on me

2008-10-19T16:40:00.001-07:00

...and then i lost a tooth.

looks like i'll have to get a dentist after all.

why can't you see the sky isn't green anymore

2008-10-17T01:52:00.000-07:00

you know it was a good night when you got to smash a pumpkin and run away giggling and shrieking, only to return to the party to dance to jitterbug and discuss starting a band called "side project runway."
if it didn't require moving out of my house and losing my awesome roommates, i would really want to live on the hill.

but i'm having trouble believin

2008-10-15T12:23:00.001-07:00

meghan and abigail came over last night and drank carlo while we watched single white female. nothing about that is classy.
somehow it came out that we should be partial-birth abortion kittens (try to find something more horrifying than that, i dare you) for halloween. gross, i know.

one of steven's cats puked and pooped in the living room this morning. i'm really not enjoying these cats. one won't leave me alone when i try to sleep (not in a cuddly way, she just stands on the bed next to me, stares, and mews), and the other one is apparently not well and tends to scratch their nice furniture.

also, the three of us have resorted to dealing with idiot boys much in the same way a thirteen year old would. last night we referred a certain stupid boy asking for weed (we're really not the right people to call for that) to a straightedge friend of ours. i really wish i could have heard that conversation. i think it's to the point where we've all been treated poorly enough that we've resorted to treating these dudes exactly how we would if we were the age they are acting. 13, specifically.

nothing can prepare you

2008-10-13T18:49:00.001-07:00

last night i left lindas fully intending to sleep. buuuut p-lo came over and we ended up watching planet earth until 3am, most of which i was fairly delirious for, and parts of last night are still sorting themselves out in my head. i think i fell asleep on the couch a bunch, i think i got bitten by one of the cats, and i'm pretty sure i just packed up and fell asleep downstairs while p-lo was still on the couch. i don't remember explaining myself.

this is why i don't drink, i already lose chunks of time and have weird memory issues... i don't need it to get any more confusing. i also don't remember setting an alarm but it went off this morning.

walk around with both legs

2008-10-13T11:59:00.001-07:00

i really need to get out of the city soon, just for a couple days.
it's not really an option until steven gets back, but then i'm out of here for sure.

here's what i have learned about the music industry so far:
it is a group of people who cannot really function by the normal rules of society, can't do normal work... so they do music industry stuff. there are a few exceptions to this rule, obviously, but for the most part it's a whole lot of people who wouldn't make it in any other capacity, so mike and i get stuck picking up the pieces of their half-assed work and constant mistakes and miscommunications.
you've got to really want this.

i missed you for 29 years

2008-10-12T21:36:00.000-07:00

first of all, i thought i lost one of steven's cats saturday morning and got really scared that i'd have some horrible explaining to do when he got home... but eventually i found it (him, her, i don't even know, it's name is shatzy). the cats are still being really weird. it's like they've got too much personality for their own good.

helen turned 21 today, which is awesome and weird and now i'm not the only one who is of age... which is kind of nice! she'll be able to come to shows, and we can finally hang out in moe bar instead of going out to lunch.

after this past week, my faith in musicians has been restored, at least a little bit. first of all, the dutchess and the duke are fantastic. really wonderful, sincere, kind people, and great musicians too. it's been a while since i've felt rewarded for working a show, but they definitely made it a worthwhile experience. second, tokyo police club are the sweetest boys around. honest to god i just wanted to hug them all and tell them never to ever change. they are really, really good people. it's just been nice.

time to go buy helen some drinkdrunks!

at the end of the day we will surely be dead

2008-10-10T16:40:00.000-07:00

fridayfridayfriday need to leave my desk!

steven's cats are weird. last night was my first night house sitting, and i fell asleep with the cats both sitting on the floor staring at me and mewing. creepyasfuck.

i officially had to pull rank during the show wednesday night. one of our off-duty security guards pulled some out-of-line shit and i (for the first time) had to explain that i was in charge and he needed to follow club rules otherwise he'd be escorted out just like anyone else.
it's weird being younger than everyone else and also pretty new to the game in general, but sometimes people take that as some cue that they can walk all over you... not true. if i learned anything from zoe it was how to stick up for myself.

people are idiots. i'm convinced of this more and more every day.

been listening to see me river for the past few days. i liked their stuff the first time i heard it, but the best part is that i like it more and more each time. megan did good signing these guys.

we'll both pull the tricks out of our sleeves

2008-10-08T18:53:00.001-07:00

it's really refreshing to work with a band who is a)headlining and b)really excited to be playing on a stage with monitors, and c)even more excited that there is a green room. they also sound fucking great, and that's me hearing them practice through a wall. this is going to be a good night.

today i sent off a belated birthday well-wish, complete with tlc.

also, finally i can say this: TOKYO POLICE CLUB. this saturday, october 11th. they're headlining the grand finale of a drink for the kids, you all better be there. get wasted and support all ages music at the same time for once in your life.

i want ben to get back from russia. i'm getting antsy. i need a project. i might rent a car this weekend, go out to the peninsula and shoot some photos.

i had no choice it was the only way

2008-10-06T16:39:00.001-07:00

recap:
friday: best night i've had in a while. two gallants? still got it. nice dudes, amazing musicians, all-round good people. there is something about liking a band for so long that makes it that much more fun to see them still playing. i am going to bring back the last copy of shtick i have sitting in my parents garage and hold on to it up here. jason got wasted and told me he would give me his part of the club ownership. i probably should have gotten that in writing.

saturday: woke up feeling like i got hit by a truck and then slept until 7pm. then the show for willy. it was weird, you know, being with all these people that knew him and, i don't know, collectively having to recognize that he's gone. it was a good farewell though.

sunday: went to a church that wasn't mine (i had to unlock the building for them, help them with equipment, then lock up after them), got accosted with love that i didn't really need or want but understand was well-intentioned. i don't do charasmatic religion, i just don't. it made me really want to be at st. pauls. i like reverence, i like solemnety, i like tradition. i also like that i can get all of that plus a church that blesses same-sex marriages and has a female priest. thank God (literally?) for st. pauls.

maxi rad maxi pad hang time last night resulted in abigail drawing portraits of all of us on big construction paper, then somehow we all ended up with paper bags on our heads with faces drawn on them. i'll get the photos from abigail soon enough.

the rainy season has officially begun...
welcome home:)

"i come from the old town baby/ too late for you to save me/ if i remeain then i'm to blame/ but if you should ever need me/ i'll go where ere' you lead me/ it's all the same/ the same old game"

i've been to a minor place

2008-10-03T10:47:00.000-07:00

1. i don't ever want to be a promoter. if somewhere down the line you hear me say otherwise, punch me in the face and remind me of how stupid that would be.

2. the maxi rad maxi pad is really great right now. i love my home, my roommates, it feels like a family again and i've missed that. mario fits right in, it's a pretty awesome combination of people.

3. it's sort of looking like grad school might be an extra year away. that's not something i want to admit, but at my current rate of progress (or lack thereof) there's no way i can put together a decent application in time to get in for fall '09. we'll see.

4. there's a church group that's renting our showroom out on sunday mornings, starting this weekend, and i've been designated the one to come let them in, hang out while they do their thing, then lock up when they leave. i'm sort of bummed because it's a mosaic church, not something i want to sit through (i like high liturgy damnit), and i'm going to miss my own church because i'll be here. grrrrr.

5. tomorrow, comet tavern, memorial show for willy. tacocat is playing, i will be there, really good people will be there. it's going to be really weird, you know, having everyone gathered in the same place for the first time since it happened, but maybe that will be cathartic and helpful and provide a little more closure than any of us have gotten.

6. working the two gallants show tonight, kind of excited. should be good. must.run.a.tight.ship.

letmegetupinit

2008-10-01T15:14:00.000-07:00

today has been strange:
1. got harassed by larouchies downtown on my way to work. they're a terrifying bunch. the guy told me not to be a zombie and all i could think of in response was "don't be a dick."
2. dr. himma added me as a friend on facebook.
3. serious crack-head in qfc walking all around me swearing up a storm, talking to herself.

google analytics is a funny thing. this blog is read more in pittsburg alone than in all of washington.

it's official: mario is an awesome roommate, and a fantastic cook. well, maybe it's just that he puts more effort in than any of us ever do, but he made me an amazing carne asada sandwich the other day. he wants me to do the "hump day hustle" bike ride today, which i'm a little scared of. i'm not a fast rider by any stretch.

glory never fades

2008-09-29T17:47:00.000-07:00

happy happy birthday to you, jordan.
happy happy birthday.

the curse for this town

2008-09-28T00:18:00.000-07:00

i don't understand the appeal behind most (read: basically all) electronic/techno/house/drumandbase etc. i just don't get it. i had to work the first night of decibel fest, and watching the headliner all i could think about was that she just sounded and looked like a really horrible rip-off of m.i.a. really, really horrible.
then today i convinced helen to meet me in volunteer park because truckasaurus was playing and i've heard they're good live, but by the time she got there i had a headache from the shitty dj that had been on forever, so we went to get food and meet up with jo, missed truckasaurus, went back to the park anyway, met up with evan and spent the entire glitch mob set just people watching and playing "your team." it was a real freak show. i guess a lot of that was because it was free, and outdoors, so it seemed to attract a weird hippy-raver hybrid crowd. again, i just don't get it.
the crazy guy with the colorful scarves was there, and at one point stripped down to nothing but a fanny pack (strapped just under his armpits) and a neon orange and yellow striped speedo. it was terrifying.
i ended up seeing a lot of random people today, chase and johnny from school, cab, paula (not that random, just unplanned), and barry called which was really nice. i miss that kid.

mario is pretty much moved into the house now, and it's really nice to have a fourth person again. it seems like the more space you have to yourself the better it would be, but it feels unbalanced with only three people in here. between mario and the piano, it feels more like a home.

i got approved for zipcar? not sure that i'll ever use it, but i guess it's nice to have access to.

goodnight.

sound good to me

2008-09-23T21:16:00.001-07:00

today:
1. got a much needed pep-talk
2. got a raise (thank god)
3. got my gre study book in the mail
4. got the satanic verses in the mail (it's going to be a good week for my mind)
5. had a productive day
6. feeling better.

also, went to church last sunday. need to make this a priority instead of being lazy. after i'm done with the satanic verses i'm going to read through the orthodox way again, i remember liking that book in wilhite's class (christian formation?), but i don't think we read very much of it. after that, i'm going to go through some more of the articles in the rhetoric of social protest.

i ran into spu's one man classic's department today in fremont. one of the most well-intentioned people i've ever met, yet completely incapable of having a normal conversation.

put your hand into my hand

2008-09-22T10:07:00.001-07:00

last night after industry night at kings, i headed home alone on my bike, and proceeded to eat shit while trying to cross railroad tracks in the rain. nothing serious, really, but my knee and elbow are scraped up and i woke up this morning really sore all over. my bike is fine though, which is what matters.

all i want to do right now is listen to "lord let it rain on me" on repeat and curl back up in bed.

lord, let it rain on me

2008-09-21T00:28:00.000-07:00

i've been listening to a ridiculous amount of spiritualized. it's got such a weird context for me now, i was with them when willy died, he was supposed to be at the show that night, i don't know, i don't think i'm going to ever hear this band the same way again.

they are putting on a memorial show for him on october 4th at the casbah in san diego. i want to be there, i really do. realistically, i probably won't get there, but god it would be nice.

if nothing else, this has given me some perspective. i need to start really taking advantage of life instead of being married to a job that manages to suck my soul even as i say the words "but it's such a good opportunity." i'm over that. i deserve better. i bought a GRE book, and the satanic verses, i'm going to get back into reading a lot, i'm going to study for the stupid test, i'm going to get my shit together and go to grad school. i'm going to move on to better things, i really am. i've got my passport application almost all ready to go, i've got a friend in europe i need to visit, and i've got an offer for a plane ticket. it's all so close, really, so fucking close.

tomorrow is church, then the greek festival with the ladies. thank god paula is back in town.

i've been with you

2008-09-18T23:26:00.000-07:00

so glad that tomorrow is friday.
so fucking glad.
i haven't been this physically, mentally, and emotionally drained (or just confused?) in a long time. just need some r&r.

might go to the harbor tomorrow night and just stay through saturday. i need some serious alone time, and that seems to be the only way i can get away.

i need to start studying for the GRE.

move back and forth

2008-09-17T15:54:00.000-07:00

still functioning in a weird haze after hearing the news about willy. i haven't really had a chance to think at all because work is fucking nuts right now, which maybe is for the best. i know as soon as i have a chance to rest it's going to really sink in.
there's no reversing this stuff.

i am also missing japanther tonight because i have to work the miss kittin show. i'm an idiot. i love japanther. today is kicking my ass.

goddamnit, world.

there's so little time, to do anything

2008-09-17T00:13:00.000-07:00

first it was pat, then it was wallace, and now willy. in the past few months, all three of them have passed away, all unexpectedly, all taken long before anyone was ready for it.

when bree and i went to the party on sunday night she was worried about willy. they'd just broken up a couple of days before and he wasn't taking it well. she seemed really, genuinely concerned about him. during the party she disappeared at one point, and when i called to see if she was okay, she said she was fine, she was just going to willy's place to make sure he was okay because he'd said he was having a panic attack. that was the last i heard from her.

i found out today that willy wasn't okay. bree found him. she had to break into his apartment because he wasn't picking up the phone, but it was too late. she was alone, a little drunk, but mostly alone. she's spent the past two days surrounded by friends, but obviously in shock. there's going to be a memorial service on thursday.

he was a really, really good person. i only met him a few times, but he was sweet, and caring. he obviously cared for bree a lot, and she for him. i saw ben today and all either of us could do was hug. it's hard when there aren't words to explain what anyone is feeling, just so shell-shocked that nothing adequately describes the scope of the tragedy.

RIP william kelly graves. you will be missed.

come on baby, stop your cryin

2008-09-15T14:03:00.000-07:00

sometimes the sleep deprivation is worth it. and when you get to party with spiritualized all night, it doesn't matter that you have to be at work in five hours.
or that you're going to have to put in an absurd amount of hours because the mayors office is doing an event in two days and you have to literally scrape all the windows with a razor to get all the tape off. there's a lot of windows.

the night went from work (which was mostly me thoroughly enjoying the show), to the cha cha, to matt's place, back up the hill to get my bike, and then home.

we're in "the shits" now, the busy season, and it's starting to hit hard. but, the good news is that everything will be okay. it always is.

i can't hear you talking behind my back

2008-09-13T18:10:00.000-07:00

these new people are really good people, i think, and i'm truly grateful that i've met them and am getting to know them. they're people who are doing things, making progress.

the past week has sort of been my own little hell of work exploding (they moved the css show to neumos, which gave me about a million more things to take care of), and me still trying to hold it together. last night, however, was totally redeming.

corrie said i could be a runner for the rancid show in exchange for, well, getting to see the show (that was over-sold-out). it was perfect, because i got a day off work, sort of, and what work i was doing was in a different venue for different people, which was refreshing. i really like laurie, too. i mean, i know what gets said around the seattle water cooler, but fuck 'em, she was really cool and gave me a good opportunity, which i appreciate. it was sort of a weird night because i saw gus three different times, as well as his new girlfriend, but she didn't recognize me and he didn't see me, and in the end it was sort of freeing to see how much they've become people i wouldn't like anyway... they are two people i would not want to be around, and it felt good to know that i'm doing what i am passionate about, what i love, while he's stuck in the void of life after college working at a grocery store. no law school yet (thanks for the updates, helen), which is funny to me. he just exists and takes up space, that's about it.
plus, as a 6'4, 250lb guy, isn't it kind of a dick move (not to mention silly) to crowdsurf? that's just asking for someone to get seriously hurt. not in the "i'm at a punk show and you get hurt at punk shows" kind of way, but in the "that asshole just crushed my skull/arms" kind of way.

it was a good night though, really, i got to see the show, got to feel a lot better about myself and where i'm at in life, and also got a chance to work for a different promoter/club. also, glen said i could shadow him for some production stuff if i wanted, which would be a perfect opportunity since he used to be foh at showbox market back in the day. i'm just going to try and learn as much as i possibly can these next few months.

REVISED

2008-09-08T01:17:00.000-07:00

also, working at a venue that people actually want to play is reason number 2945693475639845 why i should never be interested in anyone in a band.
it's always going to come back to this.

edit: this used to happen when i was at vera, and now it happens here too. it's the downside of anyone knowing that sometimes i book openers, or have any sort of input on booking. people i care about, or just want to be friends with or whatever... i become a resource. i am just a way to get a show here. this is not about colonies, that i do that of my own volition. this is about someone else. it's just that as soon as i am dealing with booking a band, the friendship thing doesn't matter anymore. it's a business transaction, nothing more. i don't like feeling like i'm just a means to an end. and no, this does not apply to guest list stuff. that's different and i don't mind it generally.

how did we become this

2008-09-07T20:46:00.000-07:00

i haven't really written anything in a while. living with three roommates and in close proximity to our neighbors makes me self-conscious about making noise. it's generally not good noise, so i try to keep it to a minimum, and only play when i'm home alone. that shit's pretty rare. this makes writing words hard too, because there's nothing to put them to. but, the other night (the one where i got two hours of sleep before work because i was at a roof top party and drinking slurpees while riding bikes before goodbyes), i got home and put something down on paper that i'm actually sort of happy with. no music (it was 5am), but that'll come soon enough. maybe when abigails friend moves his piano in.
point being, it's called slurpee hangover (nope, not posting it here), and it was a weird sort of proof to me that i am not really invested in it. as much as i would like to be, and as interested as i am, there's no denying a lack of... anything. there was nothing there. so much potential, but still nothing. maybe i'm the one that holds back now, or maybe we both were (the timing was horrible, after all), but either way, i had a lot of fun that night and hardly any of that was due to the reason i was there in the first place. that's good though, right? emotional self control? maybe? like maybe i can, for the first time, distinguish objectively what is a good or bad idea before i get too far in. how's that for a novel idea?

ben called from russia yesterday and i missed it. he has a cell phone over there?

tonight is talbot tagora, past lives, and the dead science... then abigail's birthday party. i'm curious about how many people will show up, and how much time i will have to spend in my room just to escape. it'll be the first party at our house. i'm just hoping nothing crazy happens, and hoping the clean-up won't be too horrendous.

p.s. i don't want kids either. not ever. i'm going to write you about it tonight while everyone else gets wasted. or as krichael likes to call it: shwasted.

i gave you yours, now give me mine

2008-09-06T20:41:00.000-07:00

it's hard to articulate why this means so much to me. maybe because it's born from the ashes of my own little hell, or maybe it's what's lifted me out of there somehow. i've never been so sure of good intentions. it means everything because it's the one thing that's real right now, there is no stress involved, no drama, no work... it's voluntary, totally and completely voluntary on both sides. there's no obligation, no agenda. save for the fact that it's via virtual means, it's probably the most sincere and, well, maybe this is repetative, but genuine human interaction i have right now. it's the one thing i feel really connected to. in the absense of my best friends, and in the midst of my sorry attempts to socialize with new people, this, this is a saving grace of sorts. it gives me hope, or maybe faith, something in between the two (which one is blind?), that innately we are good. the text the other night that was simultaneously sweet and angry and involved the phrase "i kind of hate humans..." initially made me sad, but only because i could relate. i've felt that way enough to understand it inside and out. but i don't think we can just leave it at that. we can't write off our species and live like everyone is just out for themselves. mostly i wind up feeling like that's true, but there are little things all the time that make me think that really, when you get down to it, people are good- or we should be good, we were meant to be good, it's just that some people lose sight of that. i don't want to be bitter and jaded, i want to be able to have faith in people. you know, forever.

you're my favorite book

2008-09-06T02:57:00.000-07:00

been thinking more about frames. you know, what or who we use to measure or give certain meaning to our lives. i've realized that i use other people's lives, events that they're living to measure my own. it's pretty irrelevant most of the time, but when i caught myself thinking about where i might be or what i might be doing in three months, it scared me a little. why do i invest so much in such tiny (and maybe completely insignificant) things? for a while i was just trying to make it until barry was in town. then it was four months until ben would be home. then it was six months until emily would be home. two weeks for paula. why can't i just live acording to my own schedule? why do i rely on other people to provide timelines for my life? why am i not the one leaving? why do i spend so much time thinking about how i will live in order to accomodate other people's lives instead of just fucking living for myself?
i put so much stock in these relationships, some of them are worth it, some aren't. i know which is which. but even the ones that probably will never amount to anything end up dictating so much in my life.
if i'm just looking for someone to provide significance, then i'm pretty sure that makes me pathetic because that's the sort of thing i wouldn't have let fly before (is he an era now?).

i need to find that meaning somewhere else. not in people.

dream a dream of you

2008-09-04T11:19:00.000-07:00

getting two hours of sleep last night was probably not my smartest move to date. who even knows if that was worth it. i need to smarten up and catch up on sleep tonight.

went to ikea with meghan yesterday... besides all the organizational crap i got, i walked away with a plant. that's right, i bought a money tree. it's cute. hopefully i don't kill it.

i feel like putting up an "out of office" reply that says something to the effect of "i am an idiot and therefore will be napping for the next several hours." i'm pretty non-functional right now.

best city in the whole wide world

2008-09-03T13:15:00.000-07:00

when adrian and i went wheatpasting the other night, we ran into a lady who kept telling us she was a fairy, and when i couldn't hold it in any longer and started laughing, she asked me to "please not mock my immortality." then she said something about not hurting a fellow green-peacer. then she dropped trou and peed on the front lawn of seattle center, just a few feet from us.
when we were done we went to 7-11 (it was about 6am at this point) and there was a guy jerking off in his car in the parking lot. so while adrian went in to get something to drink i had to sit there in the parking lot with this weirdo. then, the fairy lady came around the corner and went into 7-11.

it was a weird night.

tonight:
-clean house, room, do laundry etc.
-ikea with meghan
-going away party? bummer.

in one more hour i'll be gone

2008-09-02T16:24:00.001-07:00

there are days when i just want to walk out.
today is one of them.

cut in line, i think it's fine.

2008-09-01T22:39:00.000-07:00

bumbershoot was pretty uneventful.
i saw two gallants, which was all i wanted. they were wonderful, per usual.
awkwardly talked to adam, what came out of my mouth was somewhere between trying to tell him that alina and i interviewed him four years ago for our zine but it was good to see them on a big stage? what? dumb.
saw a lot of people, people from camp (devin, mckane, meg, tido), devon and jennifer (sportin life), p-lo, vanessa, kiah, toby and the washington bus crew... there were more.

my two goals right now:
1. seriously, learn to play the drums.
2. get my canadian passport. i figure if i'm allowed to leave i'm more likely to.

the castle grayskull/gospel gossip kids were here last night but i hardly had any time with them because i couldn't stay awake. hopefully we can hang out with max, deanna and nik some more before they go back to minnesota.

it's a circle left untied.

2008-08-31T23:17:00.000-07:00

yesterday:
1. kyle and tiff's wedding
2. amanda and brad's wedding
3. bon iver
4. party/show at holy mountain
5. wheatpasting
6. 6am bedtime.

today:
1. draino the shower
2. set up turntables at moe bar
3. drove to harbor, helped mom
4. came home...
5. try to stay awake to greet gospel gossip kids

tomorrow:
1. set up parking permits at work
2. hang out with helen
3. bumbershoot. thanks to chris for the vip pass and jason for the ticket.
4. sleep early.

i should have been an angel but i'm too dumb to speak

2008-08-30T21:28:00.000-07:00

today i donned a dress, bought myself some leggings, and drove to the other side of the water. kyle and tiff's wedding was first, and they looked wonderful. everything was really well done, and the setting was perfect.
then i drove to poulsbo for amanda and brad's wedding (well, the reception because i missed the actual ceremony). it was... not my style... but it was good to see she and brad, and it was especially good to be able to hang out with ashley, ruth, afton, and steven. the only photos i have from that wedding are of us playing on the beach, which was sort of the highlight for me.

it felt really good to just play, you know.

but as for weddings, i think i've had enough of them for a while. they're nice, i guess, it's just sort of uncomfortable (or maybe that's just me in a dress).

now i'm at neumos for bon iver, helping kelly out when he needs it because it's his first production shift on his own.

i hope you have more luck with this than me.

2008-08-29T23:26:00.000-07:00

i'm still adamantly against narrow stairs as an album.

that being said, for some reason your new twin sized bed is the most depressing song i've heard in a while. maybe even in a good way.

"you used to think that someone would come along/ and lay beside you in the space that they belong/ but the other side of the mattress and box spring stay like new/ and what's the point of holding on to what never gets used/ other than a sick desire for self abuse"

love's a fine thing to take a chance on

2008-08-29T12:12:00.001-07:00

yesterday i biked from downtown tacoma all the way to my parents house. most of that was in the dark. it's a good ride, but scary at night. rode by a deer at one point and almost had a heart attack, their eyes glow really eerily in the dark.

anyway, i've got my mom's car for a few days now. got kyle and tiff's wedding present framed yesterday.
working the show tonight, two weddings tomorrow, then back here to help kelly run the show tomorrow night (but hopefully i'll actually get to watch bon iver's set).

what happened to august?

take me out, instead of back in

2008-08-28T10:42:00.000-07:00

on tuesday my mom fell off the front porch and broke her wrist. and because she never has her cell phone on or on her, the only reason i found out was because i got a call from the paramedic as they took her to the hospital.
my dad is on a sailing trip in desolation sound (ie: no cell phone), and i, well, have a lot of shit to do up here. my mom simply cannot take care of herself.
i started to head down to the harbor tuesday after work (planning on getting her car keys from her at the hospital, somehow getting to the house, then driving back and picking her up), but she called and said she was getting a ride from a friend so i didn't need to come down. so i didn't.
then last night (while i'm working) i get voicemails from both of my aunts in canada basically asking why the fuck i'm not at home helping my mom out.
so, before i get really mad, i call my mom to see what's going on, why she's calling my aunts about this shit when they obviously can't do anything about it, and why they're calling me instead of her calling me. i get her voicemail and she hasn't called me back.
on tuesday i had told her i'd come down friday after work and she sounded fine with that. but, i forgot that i'm working the show tomorrow night so now i have to go to the harbor tonight after work, make her a shitload of food so she doesn't starve or whatever, and drive back up here.
work is not awesome right now either.

in the midst of all of this, all i want is a distraction. i thought i'd found it, you know, hanging out with bree and those kids has been fun the past couple weeks or whatever, just being around new people, getting out a little, but i've gotten so apathetic about personal relationships that i find it really hard to care anymore.
i needed something new, you know, help forget the fact that everyone is leaving and i'm still here, i'm always here, but something new just turned out to be frustrating.

there's people that make it okay being here, most of the bartenders are cool, robin and alice, ben, the security guys, they make it okay... but mostly i'm really disenchanted with life right now and that means something has got to change. i've got to go to grad school. i've got to give myself some more options, because this, what i'm doing right now, it isn't good enough.

"fuck your whole life"

2008-08-26T16:06:00.000-07:00

one time mike got really drunk after a shift and when he couldn't keep up with the security guards heckling him his only insult was "fuck your whole life."

that's how i feel right now. like god just said "hey megan, fuck your whole life."
more later, i guess.

these are the things that give me hope that we're not all just out to hurt each other

2008-08-25T19:24:00.000-07:00

thank you.
over and over again, thank you.

we are not two we are one

2008-08-25T11:38:00.000-07:00

for some reason my coffee this morning has had a way bigger effect than normal. it feels like my eyes are melting out of my face and i can't stop rolling around in my chair. productive, i know.

last night went really well. i love working stg shows because they finish so early, i was out of here before midnight. managed to get tender forever to sign a silkscreened tour poster, which i'm going to have framed for kyle and tiff as a wedding present. golden. after the show i found my way to fusion cafe for the last little bit of carousel festival. there were hardly any people there, and i missed tacocat, but it was still fun to see people.
made it home by 2:30?

if i didn't feel like bouncing off the walls (which i won't as soon as this caffeine wears off), i would like to be sleeping. hopefully i can get out of here by 5 and make that happen.

i need someone to crack my back.

a few nights ago i had a really fucked up dream about gus. it's been a while since i've been able to remember a dream, but this one i still remember pretty vividly. the shit that he did in the dream was so fucked up that when i woke up i expected to feel angrier than ever before... but for some reason my response was more along the lines of "i feel bad for you that you're such a horrible person." what the hell? in a weird way i think i let go a little. people will be assholes, he's one of them, nothing i say or do is going to change that. moving on.

annnnd i've been reading running with scissors, and for most of the book so far i've had the typical response of feeling like augusten burroughs had this really fucked up child hood, shocked or whatever, but then i realized that the only thing that was shocking about it was that he was so young when all that shit was happening to him. things like that tend to happen on a fairly regular basis to people in my life (thankfully not normally to me), and i'm less and less surprised by people being batshit crazy and doing really really fucked up things.
i'm not sure this is a positive thing.

and this moment, for that i'm grateful

2008-08-24T14:36:00.001-07:00

sometimes my roommates are the greatest friends i could ask for.

love it don't die it just goes from girl to girl

2008-08-23T14:26:00.000-07:00

yesterday was proof that i don't have to be a homebody all the time...i guess.
left work early, bussed down to the harbor and went to coffee and dinner with barry. it was so good to see him, it's sort of hard to explain. no one (except my dad) means more to me than this kid, and it's been so long since we've seen each other, it felt great. we bussed back up to seattle where we parted ways so he could go console his recently-dumped-instead-of-getting-married friend.
then i went and hung out with emily, helen, and jo... just sat around on wallingford steps, filling each other in on life. i already miss paula enough, and i'm now emily is going to be gone for six months or so... what the fuck.
somehow after that i ended up going to neumos to drop off my bike, stopping by the satellite to say hi to eric, then suthap and i walked all the way to the trashies house for some party. i really don't understand this stuff, apparently, because when you're not drunk all there is to do is stand around and talk to people you don't really know and probably won't see much of again. it turns out that my motivation for going in the first place is not as great as i had originally thought, and in fact is probably not great at all. after the trashies, a bunch of people moved on to tim's house a few blocks away.
i got home just before 5am, eric and his friend nate crashed in my living room, and now i don't really know what's going on today. i know there is something i'm forgetting.

oh yeah, barry and his girlfriend are trying to find housing together. weird. my boy's making a commitment.

lightning hits the church

2008-08-22T11:46:00.001-07:00

today is all about getting out of work early because my best friend in the entire fucking universe, barry milton greenfield, is in town and it's going to be one hell of a reunion. we haven't seen each other in over a year, and there is so much to catch up on, so much to say, i don't even know where to start.

i'll be bussing it to the harbor, meeting up with him for coffee or dinner, then we'll both bus back up here.

i can't focus on a goddamned thing today. i've been waiting for this forever.

2008-08-20T09:24:00.000-07:00

meghan and i have become the epitome of overthinkers, and we are both thoroughly disgusted with ourselves. we've had somewhat parallel lives the past few weeks. as we talked yesterday she made a good point, that both of us have come out of situations where we were given ridiculous amounts of attention/affection/effort, and now that we are in situations that are vague and up-in-the-air (you know, normal), we don't know how to handle it. it says something about the both of us that we were fine with the way things were before, you know, giving that much attention and affection as well as getting it. this is normal, or at least more healthy, the (very) slow pursuit of getting to know each other, without all that creepy doting and fawning. still, it doesn't make it easy to adjust.

said goodbye to liz last night, maybe for a very long time. she and casey are moving to davis, california. a bunch of us went to golden gardens to celebrate, or pay homage, or whatever. then chelsea and meghan and i rode our bikes home around 11 in the pouring rain. i don't think i've ever even been that wet in the shower. it was pretty epic though, and it felt really good to not care. to just be able to ride. back at the maxi pad abigail came up with prompts for champagne toasts. what is your most embarrassing seattle moment? what is your favorite dibble moment? there were good stories.

i think i'm really desperate for some honest human interaction. most of my old-time seattle friends are gone or otherwise occupied, i just saw ben for a few hours (for the first time since march), and i have a couple more days until i can see barry (and i haven't seen him for over a year). i just feel really disconnected from everything/everyone.

she came in from the storm.

2008-08-18T10:58:00.000-07:00

saturday night was dinner with new people.
sunday morning was brunch with the same new people.
i like 'em.
after brunch i went to the harbor to bum around with ben. got a drum lesson, listened to his new recordings (which are fucking fantastic), and went to see pineapple express. i'm going to really miss him. the next four months will be working on the space and getting it set up for silkscreening, sewing, stamping, pressing, everything.

my dad's in the hospital right now having heart surgery (putting the word "minor") in front doesn't seem to make it any less daunting. it's really freaking me out. i'm the one who always just thought my dad would be around forever, and these little reminders of his mortality scare me more than anything else ever could. there's nothing i can do. maybe that's the worst part, you know, i can't really help him.
i'm going to try and finish things up here quickly and head home to be there when he gets back. i just don't want to be here right now.

four-fingered fish

2008-08-16T00:07:00.000-07:00

there's a lot of what-if's and maybes hovering around tomorrow, but listening to sun kil moon is making me relaxed enough to not care.
i might hang out with chrisy, i might hang out with ben, i will be working the indian ocean show.

also, tiff and kyle's wedding is the same day as amanda and brad's wedding... one starts at 10:30, one starts at 11. one is in port orchard, one is in poulsbo. i need to be at both weddings. workin' on a miracle.

good things right now:
1. ben is in town.
2. all i need is to borrow a car and i will be able to see rancid (for free) on the 12th.
3. barry gets back in 6 days.

2008-08-13T12:13:00.001-07:00

today is what they call an off day.

night kills day

2008-08-13T10:22:00.000-07:00

michael gets back today, thank god.
it hasn't been that much extra work while he's been gone, but it's the little things that add up.

last night was the kate voegele show...it was a myspace/university of phoenix sponsored show, what else do you need to know? the good part was that it was over relatively early. i thought i'd be smart and crash on the goblin couch to get enough sleep to make it through today, but the goddamned cats woke me up every couple of hours by fighting....on top of me, eating my shoes, running around scratching things and eating moths. it was exhausting just to watch, and when i finally had to haul my tired ass to work this morning i realized i probably should have just gone home.

weird kink in my neck. it's been there for a while and every time i move my head a certain way it tweaks out. go away.

did you feel the wind pick up?

2008-08-11T15:26:00.000-07:00

ben gets here in 4 days.
barry gets here in 10 days.
camping in 11 days.

list of metaphorical shit that has hit the fan today:
-our main phone line is not receiving calls, qwest can't come until tomorrow
-gmail is down, steven is freaking out
-am just now getting the advance info for the show that is, oh wait, tomorrow
-still haven't found a light tech for the 15th
-my mom is batshit crazy
-my dad is turning into a flake
-for some reason our website is not hosting the living legends admat correctly. i really need it to.
-i am not going to get out of here by 5.

did i mention that i walked from tcc to gig harbor on saturday night, again crossing the narrows bridge at sunset... such an incredible view. i've become a bigger fan of just wandering these days. i make fewer plans and just end up where i do. it's nice.

paper snowflakes don't melt in the sunshine

2008-08-07T15:59:00.000-07:00

there are very few things (or people) in this world that actually evoke a nearly violent response from me. in fact, i can think of one person (and maybe a couple of that person's friends). i am embarrassed that i still get so upset about it, i wish i had it more under control and after so much time has passed... i should have it under control. the fact of the matter is that i don't. i'm nowhere near that.
thinking about him, about his girlfriend (how i didn't see that one coming is beyond me), about how much it still hurts to even hear his name... it's pathetic. it really is, and i know that.
but, i can't seem to shake the anger. i don't miss him, i don't ever want to see him or talk to him ever again, but i really wish that i could just stop caring altogether. i'm just tired of being mad about it, because that means that some ounce of my being still cares about him enough to be mad at him. he doesn't even deserve that.

maybe it's because everything reminds me of him. bikes, rancid, my bed, the stupid gre, his nephew (who still emails me and is a sweet kid), panda bears, certain words, certain friends, the entire u-district. the smallest things trigger the biggest response, i get volatile, and then i get mad that i got so mad.

i want to be able to walk freely. i want to do/say/go wherever i want to without having any sort of memory attached to him. is that too much to ask?

no matter how i try to find my way

2008-08-06T16:59:00.000-07:00

my office has been unbearably hot today. it has just turned me into a useless blob of a human.

i'm all about clear communication, none of this subtle bullshit. subtlety just lends itself to misinterpretation, and then everyone ends up with the wrong idea. and i really hate having the wrong idea.

now i'm just sitting here listening to led zeppelin and thinking about how in two weeks barry will be here and all will be well with the world. it's sort of funny that for a while, the only show that was happening while he was going to be here was mirah, but then all of a sudden jason booked a led zeppelin tribute band right smack in the middle of barry's visit. i hate tribute bands, but it doesn't get any more perfect than that. it's going to be really really wonderful to see him.

meghan and joe want to go camping too, yesssss.

as the story goes

2008-08-05T09:49:00.000-07:00

the seattle police department can go fuck itself.
i just got an $81 ticket ON MY BIKE, for not stopping at a stop sign BEFORE TURNING RIGHT on to a road that has ample room for both cars and bikes.
seriously, this cop had nothing better to do on capitol hill than pull me over for that?

i'm going to contest this piece of shit ticket.
i'm not paying for this.

fuck you, SPD, fuck you.